Tired**

**I wrote this post back in June, but then wasn't sure if I wanted to post it. I don't want this blog to be about me complaining, but Caleb's eating issues are something we are constantly dealing with (We had a feeding clinic appointment today 9/17). Skip it if you don't feel like reading a lot of rambling and a "woe is me" post...
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Caleb's eating has taken another turn for the worse. Actually looking back, it's been bad for months. But, with Isaac eating more and more, it really shows us how little C eats! It is so frustrating! I cannot stand when people tell me that his eating is "normal toddler eating." Maybe (MAYBE) you could call it that if he ate like this once in a while and then made up for it with a "great day". But he doesn't. He doesn't even have "great" meals, let alone a great day of eating! I deal with this EVERY.DAY. And I am tired of it.

I am tired of feeding him. But if I don't, he scoops the food onto the table and mashes it around. If he does willingly put food into his mouth, he keeps putting more and more in before swallowing and ends up gagging and spitting it all out (or throwing up) and then refuses to eat anymore. If I tell him he has 3 bites of something left, he shoves those bites into his mouth and ends up spitting it all out because it's too much for him to handle. I am tired of packing food for him to take with us to people's houses, knowing that he probably won't eat anything that they have, and hoping that he'll eat some of what I packed. I am tired of sitting and "coaching" him through every bite (chew, keep chewing, swallow). Believe me, I have tried to just let him eat without helping him and he just plays with his food...nothing goes in his mouth. I am tired of telling him to chew, telling him that he doesn't have to chew his yogurt, telling him to swallow, telling him to stop keeping food in his cheek, telling him to take a drink of milk. It's exhausting, but that's what I have to do. I feel like I am constantly nagging him when he's eating. This cannot be good for him either! I am tired of Isaac finishing his food in 10-15 min MAX, and then realizing that C has only taken 1-2 bites of his.

I am tried of feeling guilty for not agreeing with the doctors way-back-when and had a feeding tube placed. That way, eating could be "enjoyable" for him and I think that food would be a positive thing and not a negative "chore" as it is now (because the tube would have been used as "back-up" and give him the calories he didn't eat orally, instead of "making" him eat when he doesn't want to). Now, I worry that we will be dealing with his eating issues for a long time. Our "feeding plan" has gone out the window. But, I don't think that our feeding team will have any more to offer. You just can't force a 3.5 year old eat. There's no "he'll eat when he's hungry" for this kid. If I didn't make him eat, he'd be happy!

I kept track of what they both ate a couple days in a row so you can see what I'm dealing with here:

Breakfast Day #1:
Isaac-4oz Yo-Baby yogurt, 4 oz applesauce, 6 oz whole milk
Caleb-3 bites of Yo-Baby yogurt and about 10 "grains" of Rice Krispie cereal (wonder how many calories he got from them!)

Breakfast Day #2:
Isaac-4 mini pancakes, 1/4 cup blue berries, 5 oz whole milk
Caleb-1/2 of one mini pancake and then licked the sugar off his plate, then decided he wanted yogurt, but didn't eat any of it.

Lunch Day #1:
Isaac: 1.5 hot dogs (sometimes he'll eat 2!), string cheese, 4 oz Mandarin oranges, and 4 oz whole milk
Caleb: barely 1/2 of a hot dog, and sips of whole milk

Lunch Day #2:
Isaac-2 slices of turkey lunch meat, 2 oz cheddar cheese (2 squares), 4 oz applesauce, and 6 oz whole milk
Caleb-2 bites of turkey lunch meat (which stayed in his mouth for 20 minutes), and 1/2 ounce of cheddar cheese (1/2 square) (he shredded the rest and mashed it into the table.)

Supper Day #1:
Isaac-Entire can of Progresso Vegetable Minestrone soup (minus the juice), 1/2 stick of string cheese, about 20 grapes, and 4 oz whole milk
Caleb-4 bites of Mac-n-cheese, 2 grapes, which he spit out and sips of whole milk

Supper Day #2:
Isaac-6 oz cheese ravioli with sauce, cooked carrots, 4 oz whole milk
Caleb-3 bites of scrambled egg with cheddar cheese (what he asked for) and the salt off of his plate.

Snacks (both days combined):
Isaac-grapes, lots of goldfish, blue berries, string cheese, whole milk, apple juice
Caleb-the frosting off one mini Oreo, 2 goldfish crackers, 2 bites of string cheese, 6 cheetos, water

Yes, he's growing (slowly) and doing great physically. But if we didn't feed him/make him take a certain number of bites, I am sure he'd be losing weight. It's exhausting and I am tired. Okay. I am done complaining.
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Caleb's eating actually did improve with my new approach to feeding him (more on that later). He did great almost the whole month of August. (Of course there were terrible days, but for the most part his eating was probably almost like that of a "normal" toddler. I thought maybe we were in the clear with his eating issues. Not so much. September, for the most part, has not been good at all. Even though his eating has been less than stellar this month, he did gain weight since our last appointment, and I was certain that they were going to discharge him from the program today. What else is there for them to do for him? Apparently a lot. I will post more tomorrow as I am sure you are all tired of reading this never ending post:)

Oh, I should also mention that Isaac doesn't eat this much anymore (I actually cannot believe that he was eating that much back then! Maybe that's why I was feeling more crappy than normal about C's lack of eating...) He's still a great eater, but is now more like a "typical" toddler. I am not worried about him at all though, because if he has a "bad" eating day, he definitely makes up for it the next!